I've always been intimidated by the first page of a new journal, white and empty, waiting for words. And, as it turns out, I feel the same pressure sitting in front of a blank text box on my first blog. And so I will do what I always do... jump right in, no introduction, no preface, no disclaimer (although this is a bit of that, isn't it?) and fill the space.
I became a mother 9 months + 10 weeks ago. We should definitely count those first nine months, because let's be honest, sharing your body with another human being, making room for him among your organs and sustaining his life inside your own, is an especially intensive form of mothering. We should talk about that sometime... the glory of it and the mystery of it and the hours spent on the floor in front of the toilet because of it. (I'll be sure to have Matt proof read that one before I publish, me being too much of an open book and all).
But for now, let's talk about 10 weeks. Our little bud is exactly 10 weeks old today... and it feels like yesterday and 100 years ago that we were in the hospital, praying, waiting and pushing this little person into the world. I remember that first week home with him, literally crawling into bed, too tired to make it that last 10 inches to my pillow... and I remember feeling desperate for him to be older, to be more independent, to be easier to soothe, to be able to fall asleep and stay asleep without the hours of song and dance that had become our nightly routine... desperation born out of sleep deprivation.
And now, he's doing it... he's doing all of those things... and it breaks my heart. Is this motherhood? I lay him down for his naps and he frequently falls asleep without a fuss, and I want to sabotage it, I want to interuppt his nap and pick him up and snuggle him in the rocking chair and sing his favorite song. He's grown so much since June 17th, gained pounds and grown inches... and yet at first we were worried that he was failing to thrive and were going in for weight checks, and now I love it when women stop me at the grocery store and tell me how tiny he is.
Keep growing babe, keep growing... but don't grow too fast. This momma heart is doing all it can to keep up with you.